Made a mistake.

I made a horrible mistake tonight - I looked through old pictures from the last six years.

This did two things...

One, looking at baby pictures made me so sad. I want a baby! Maybe I want a baby? I can't decide... I would at least like to be in the position where having a baby could be a possibility if that's what we chose to do. I am almost certain even if I could get pregnant, I definitely wouldn't be able to stay pregnant. The odds are definitely against me. I blame myself for two of the four miscarriages I've had. I should have told bulimia to fuck off, but I didn't. I let it kill my babies (or at the very least contribute). Maybe things would've been different if I had made different choices, but maybe not... I guess I will never know.

Two, I found awful pictures of myself, which made me confident in doing what I'm doing now. I NEVER want to look like that again. Mind you, I had just given birth several months before, but still... gross! If I had a little self-control when I was pregnant, I wouldn't have gained so much weight.

What I can't understand is why being thin takes precedent over every other aspect of my life? I'm the thinnest I've ever been, yet the unhappiest. Every other part of my being doesn't matter. I am being robbed of my health, mind, intelligence, happiness... my life - all for the sake of being "skinny."

I am so physically ill right now. I'm excessively tired... to the point where I am falling asleep several times a day. I am weak. I can't hold my camera (my big fancy one) for more than a couple of minutes, or I'm afraid I'll drop it. I can't take notes for school for very long because my arm gets cramped and weak. My arms are going tingly and numb. I'm dizzy. I'm worried I'm going to pass out one day when I'm alone with the kids. Or, maybe I will tear my esophagus throwing up, and bleed out while I'm alone? I can't concentrate. I can't do anything. I barely take my potassium, and I've been taking too much thyroid medication, which both could kill me. But, somehow a/b have me convinced I only feel like this because I have a weak body, and that feeling like this is just something I am going to have to deal with if I want to be thin.

I am trying so hard to do my on-line course, but a/b are interfering due to my physical health. I am tired, and I can't concentrate. My brain is so foggy. It is trying to rob me of my intelligence. Despite it's best efforts, I have still completed one-third of the course in two days, and scored 100% on the two tests I've taken. However, it tries to knock down those accomplishments by telling me "it's not a real course" and "the course is so easy everyone scores that high."

My life is literally being wasted. I haven't really lived at all for the last ten years... there were definitely moments in between where a/b were not as strong, but they were still there. I have been so consumed by a/b that I don't even know who I am, or who I want to be as a person. I don't know what I want out of life anymore. I don't know what will make me happy (if anything). I've remained stagnant in my personal growth and development, which is what attributes to me feeling like a young girl. I don't feel like an "adult," or a "mom," or even a woman. I feel like a young, immature girl.

It has been so hard. I have nothing to help me get through the day anymore. Before, when I was going to Vancouver every couple of weeks for my therapy sessions, I had that to look forward to. Every time things were going shitty, I just reminded myself I'd get to leave this hell (my life and Prince George) in however many days.

It does not feel like I have the ability to make the changes I need to make in other areas of my life, which would make it harder for a/b to have such a grip on me. It feels like my life will be exactly the same, but instead of being thin and unhappy, I'll be fat and unhappy.

I am a mean, depressed, unhappy person. I am so angry at people (even those who are trying to help), and want to be left alone. Being skinny is supposed to bring me all of this happiness, but I haven't seen any of it. Yet, I continue on the same path... how fucked up is that?