Relapsed again

"There's a loneliness that exists only in one's mind. The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."

This quote pretty well sums up how I'm feeling right now.

My life is a mess. Everything is falling apart. But, I feel so empty, numb, and powerless to it all. I have no desire to make it better. I have no desire to recover. I want to be sick. I want to be away from it all.

I had an awful appointment with Dr. Ferreira yesterday. After two weeks of relapsing, my body is breaking at a record pace. I've lost 10lbs. I'm jaundice, dehydrated, hyperthyroid, and my electrolytes and kidneys are dropping fast. I feel pretty terrible physically, and mentally I'm disassociating. He said he was going to admit me to the hospital tomorrow morning if I wasn't doing any better by then. I wish he would have just done it then because there is no way I am going to get better on my own. I don't want to. I refuse to gain weight. He can certify me. He can do whatever he wants. It's not going to change my mind.

We argued because he decided to blame me and say that I choose this. I was pissed off. I never chose this life. I didn't want to be mentally ill. I didn't want to be physically ill. But, that's the card I was handed and now I'm accepting that.

I don't want to eat. I've lost my appetite completely. I have no desire to stuff my face and purge. Yesterday I was too physically and mentally drained to puke in the evening. So, I only purged breakfast and ate 650 calories. Even that feels like too much. It's too much food. I should be eating less. I'm still so fat and gross. I'm still 15lbs above my lowest weight. I'm too fat to be in the hospital.

I want to be put in the hospital. I don't want to deal with life. I need a break. The days just drag on. I was hoping he would call today and put me in a day early, but it looks like I have to find a way to make it through until tomorrow morning.