Bloat

I am not myself. I haven't left my bed for the entire weekend, other than to stuff my face with food six times a day.

I feel sick. I feel disconnected from life. I just feel off. The weight gain is awful to deal with, but it feels like more than that to me.

My body is going through hell. It's terrifying how fast everything is changing and how awful I feel. The bloating is getting even worse. I have bad pain in my ovary. My boobs are swollen and painful. I'm nauseous. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I'm shaky. I'm dizzy. I'm always hot or having hot flashes. My body hurts. I feel like I've gained twenty pounds already, with a bunch of it coming on the last few days.

I am trying so hard to get through these last few weeks, and I wish things would start getting a little bit easier before I give up. I have restriction thoughts all day every day. I want to purge. I want to work out. I want to lose this weight. I want some relief from the constant hell I've been enduring. I want to be skinny. I don't want recovery if this is what it's like. It's not worth it. Nothing good has come out of it this time.

I've decided I'm going to stop the antidepressant. I'm worried it's part of the shit I've been going through... the poor moods, suicidal thoughts, extra bloating and weight gain, the hot flashes... It's hard to know what's recovery and what could be side effects.

All I know is I can't keep going. I can't keep going through this shit. I want to be 80lbs again.