Fat

I don't think I can keep doing this. I'm so fat and gross now.

I miss being underweight. I miss my bones.

I hate eating. I hate feeling like I'm out of control. I hate how I'm never satisfied despite eating 3000 calories. I hate the constant bloating and gas. I hate the swelling. I hate feeling so miserable in my body. I hate that I gain weight so easily. I hate it all.

I want to escape myself. I want to escape from my body. I want to escape from my mind.

I have so many thoughts and feelings flooding through me and I don't know how to handle them. My eating disorder was my coping mechanism, but now I just feel lost and panicked over how to deal with everything going on within me.

I'm feeling suicidal again. Part of me wants to do it for the attention... I'd be hospitalized and be "sick" again, and part of me wants to do it because I feel like there is nothing left to do sometimes. I'm tired of dealing with this and never feeling like my torment will end.