Day Two

Well day two is done... 

It was a long one. I wasn't able to get the full IV bag yesterday so I had to do extra today. I was there for six hours total. It was boring and anxiety provoking. So far I haven't noticed much of a difference other than being really tired and still having a mild headache. I'm really hoping I start feeling something positive tomorrow because I feel pretty terrible mentally tonight. I know a lot of it has to do with being forced to sit for four to six hours a day. I am terrified I am going to gain weight sitting that much. I have been keeping myself busy with cleaning, decorating, organizing, running errands, etc. for six weeks or so now, so I am finding it extremely difficult to just sit.

I am having so many mixed emotions about this treatment right now. I am terrified it won't work and I will be stuck like this forever, and my only option left would be antidepressants. However, I am also scared of it working. What will it feel like? Will it change me as a person? What am I going to do with myself? My mind? The unknown is scary. I have felt depressed and have had ed for as long as I can remember. I know I don't want to feel this shitty, but I don't know what I'll feel like. The naturopath told me a lot of people panic around day four of treatment because that's when it really kicks in and it scares a lot of people to feel "different." When you are so used to dealing with depression, anxiety, ed, etc. it almost becomes a "safe" feeling. It's what you know. I can't even begin to imagine what it would feel like to be happy and content; to not have my mind racing with obsessive thoughts. All I know is I'm a wreck tonight.

This guy spent the day hanging out with me though...