Day Five

Day five didn't go as planned.

First off, I talked with the EMDR therapist, Jana. It was painful and difficult as I decided to get the miscarriage issue out in the open to deal with first. I was so skeptical of the process but I at least wanted to give it a try for the sake of trying everything I can. I still don't know what to write about it. I think it might have worked, but I'm not sure. It seems too easy. Every time I thought about the miscarriages it would break me. The emotions were strong and unmanageable, hence why I've repressed them or used ed as a way to deal with them. But now, no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get myself to feel emotions like that again. It's weird and I'm in disbelief. I think to myself that maybe I'm repressing them again, or that it's all in my head, but I'm not so sure. I will give it some time and see how I'm feeling about the situation in another couple of days.

Second, my drip went way too fast yesterday. It finished an hour and a half early, which means I didn't get the full dose and most of it ran through my system. I left there early overwhelmed because my schedule changed and after my difficult session with Jana. I went home and lied in bed for an hour until I could get my head screwed on right again. The rest of the day went okay. I was fairly anxious especially about my weight all evening though. I worry what my weight has done this week. I know I don't eat enough to gain actual "fat" weight, but there might be some water shifts or something due to the iv's. I'm hoping the number went down again, but I'm also hoping these treatments will take away the urge to keep losing more weight and feel satisfied with where I am.