My thoughts

I feel so utterly disgusted in my body right now. I think I just feel utterly disgusted with myself in general. I feel fat. I feel slobby. I feel lazy.

I don't want to get changed out of "slob" clothes because getting dressed has become one of the worst feelings in the world. My skin crawls. I can't breathe. I want to cut myself. Instead of putting on clothes and feeling a sense of security and accomplishment with how loose everything was, I now put on clothes and feel suffocated and paralyzed by how "tight" they are.

I'm tired, depressed, and anxious. I don't do much in a day, and today has been even worse. I have nothing that needs to be done, so I don't have the motivation to do anything above and beyond sitting on my ever increasing ass. Therefore, I feel even worse about myself because I'm lazy and I should be doing something. I should be moving. I should be getting something accomplished. I should be burning some of these calories I'm eating. I should be doing something with my life. Instead, I sit here feeling anxious and hopeless... it seems like I can feel every ounce, every pound weighing me down. I can feel myself getting heavier and heavier. But, I can't move. I can't do anything. I feel restless and paralyzed all at the same time.

These past twelve days have been hard. It takes everything I have to keep eating when a huge part of me is constantly screaming at me to stop. It never ends. Every minute. Every bite. "Stop eating." "You don't need that." "You are going to be so fat and gross, and you'll hate yourself even more." "You have no self-control." "You are so lazy." "You are nothing if you aren't thin." "You are going to never stop gaining weight."

That's all I hear over and over and over in my head. Or, at least some variation of the above. I'm terrified that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe eating this many calories isn't right? Maybe I don't need this much? Maybe I'm just a pig? Maybe my set point is actually a lot higher than I think(hope)? Maybe I'll never be anything more than an eating disorder? Maybe I should just give up?

It feels like I have to be thin to have any chance of ever liking/accepting myself. I feel like there are two "Kim's" - the fat one who is depressed, who is an ugly loser, who is a slob and hides away, who is embarrassed by herself, who is lazy... And then there is the thin Kim who is still depressed, but feels motivated, more confident, more pretty, who wears nice clothes and isn't embarrassed by her appearance. I feel grown up and more accomplished. I feel like I fit in more and that I can be who I want to be when I'm thin. The fat Kim will never amount to anything in her life because she is too gross to be out in public.

Every time I start eating again and gain weight, I gain a lot of weight. I don't trust my body and my body doesn't trust me. I worry that this circle I'm in will never end... Restrict. Lose weight. Eat more. Purge. Restrict. Eat. Exercise. Eat. Gain weight. Restrict... I can't be fat. I just can't.