When will this end?

How am I still so trapped in the clutches of anorexia?

My entire day still revolves around food, weight, or some other aspect of this disease.

7:30 am - Breakfast

9:00-9:30 am - starving again but my morning snack has been cut out for awhile now. I try to kill time and fight the irritability and frustration from being hungry.

11:30-12:00pm - Lunch (usually starving by this point and super bingey and irritable). It can't be delayed longer than noon or else all hell breaks loose.

1:00pm - Time to kill more time until snack. All I think about is food. I'm usually pretty hungry by 1:30 pm.

2:30-3:00pm - Snack. It's never enough and I never feel content. It barely makes a dint in my hunger. My mind starts going crazy on what I'm going to do in the next few hours to make it until dinner. This time is usually the worse. I go insane. Blood sugars are insane.

5:00pm - Dinner. I'm out of my mind hungry by the time dinner comes around. I'm frantic for food, and I'm scared I'm going to start eating and not stop. By the time I get to the end of my meal, I am unsatisfied and sad. I want more, more, more....

5:30-8:30 - Still can't stop thinking about food. I want my evening snack time to come now. I have to distract myself some more while watching the clock slowly move closer and closer to snack time.

8:30-9:00pm - Evening snack. I scarf down my meal, and I'm left feeling empty and sad. My appetite feels insatiable. Soon I get to sleep, and then I'll wake up and get to eat right away again. The cycle repeats itself the next day.

I am tired. I am tired of fighting it. I don't seem to be making any progress. I am still so sick in the head. It feels like this torture will never end.

I am starving all of the time. I eat my meal, and then not even an hour later I am hungry again. My snacks aren't even enough to take the edge off anymore. I try to kill the time in between meals. I live from one meal to the next. Food is all I can think about. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. I know I'm not eating enough, but I can't eat more. Ed and my anxiety get too severe if I add in extra food. It's too scary. I don't want to gain weight. It's already bad enough that I have to suffer with the "anorexic mind," but still be "fat." At least before I knew I was skinny. My bones protruded out. They gave me comfort. So long as I could see and feel them, I had some reassurance that I was okay. Now I'm just fat and fucked up. I have been desperate to lose weight ever since I weighed myself on Thursday. I am preparing myself for the worst tomorrow, and that is that I am actually 111lbs. I still don't see how it's possible, but maybe I am. Maybe my perceptions are so distorted? Maybe ed was right all along? Maybe everyone has been lying to me about everything this entire time? Either way I have been taking preventative measures in case I am that fat and need to lose weight. I've been going on the treadmill for 35 minutes every day, and I've also been doing yoga 3-4 times this last week. I've also upped my thyroid meds a bit too. I got my levels checked on Thursday and I should hear the results tomorrow. I took the dosage Dr. Ferreira wanted me to take for four weeks straight, but it felt like I was swinging to hypothyroid. I want to eat and puke, eat and puke for two days straight. I want to eat everything ed hasn't allowed me to eat. I am really starting to miss it. I miss being able to gorge myself on all of the crap I could think of, yet still be underweight.

How am I ever going to be able to recover fully? It doesn't seem possible, especially with the limited support options I have available to me. This isn't living. I sometimes wonder why I am still fighting so hard. At times I want to throw in the towel. And then I have moments where my kids make me insanely happy and feel loved... they love me with all of their hearts and I know they would never be the same if something happened to me. I don't love me, but they love and need me, so I fight for them. I can't fight for myself, so I do it for them.