Missing the support

I have been so motivated and positive about recovery the last few days, but last night and today have been a bit challenging. It's frustrating that my moods can flip so easily, and in only a matter of hours. I'm trying to figure out what happened to trigger me all of a sudden? Ed filled my head with his constant harassment all night. I wish I could make it go away. I know I've been struggling with my body every month during PMS and my period. I get so swollen and sore, and ed harasses the living hell out of me when it happens as it usually coincides with some positive steps I've taken against him. I am trying my best to figure out why I fluctuate so much with hormonal changes, but nothing seems to be making it better. I know my body settles back down, but then I have to deal with it all over again in a couple of weeks. Other than that, I can only think of a couple of reasons why I'm suddenly feeling triggered - all of the pregnancies around that are making me sad or a book on anorexia I read, or it's probably a bit of everything compounding together.

I'm also feeling sad and lonely lately. I feel like I have lost most of the support I was receiving. When I came home from St. Paul's I was seeing Lana weekly, Dena three times per week, and Krystle pretty much daily. It seemed to be working well. For the most part I was doing everything I was supposed to and generally happier than I had been for awhile. Ed was still obviously loud and mean to me. But, I had all of the support I could ask for and I was able to fight through most of his negativity. Soon, however, my appointments with Lana were becoming sporadic. She was away a lot of the time and I would go weeks without seeing her. Next, out of the blue, Dena decided she could no longer spend that much time with me and started seeing me only once a week. Everything seemed to go downhill after that. All of Lana and Dena's plans for me were suddenly forgotten. Dena's promises of taking me out to dinner, or having a picnic at the park, or cooking us our "unsafe" foods never happened. Lana's group workshop that was planned was cancelled because in September she decided to abruptly leave the clinic. I went three months without a therapist. I had to use Dena as a therapist/dietician. I was concerned I was going to lose the support from her as well, as that seemed to be the trend. Sure enough, my first appointment home from my honeymoon, she had great news to tell me. She was moving to Haida Gwaii, but not to worry because she was still going to be available via video conferencing. I obviously didn't share in her excitement. I left that appointment feeling like the rug had been pulled out under me. My high from the wedding and honeymoon was over. Reality came flooding back to me. It got even worse when she decided not seeing me for awhile was "best" for me. As all of this was happening, my friendship with Krystle had been deteriorating at a rapid pace over the summer and fall. For the first couple of months we were home from the hospital, we saw each other pretty much daily, sometimes even twice a day. We were inseparable and I was so happy because I had found someone who "got" me. We laughed together, cried together, struggled together, won together... But, all of a sudden over night she stopped seeing me. She cancelled all of our plans together. We stopped having lunch together. We fought all of the time, and we would go weeks without seeing each other. She always apologized and told me how much she loved me, but the fighting and avoidance continued. I kept giving her chances, even though I was so tired of being hurt and let down. I had a very hard time putting myself out there and taking a chance with our friendship in the first place, so with everything going on, it felt like a slap in the face. Finally, after the stuff that happened between us before, during, and after my wedding, I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped talking to her, and in December I cut all ties to her.

It is frustrating for me because I had turned down the opportunity to go down to Vancouver to participate in their three month long Vista/Discovery program. I felt like with all of the support I was receiving at home through the clinic and Krystle, I didn't need it. I was doing well without it, and I obviously didn't want to leave my children for so long if I was doing great at home. If only I had known then what I know now, I would have gone. I miss the atmosphere and the support from the program. At the time it was challenging to be back in the same hospital, but I think I was already struggling more than I cared to admit at that point. Ed wouldn't have had the chance to weasel his way back into my life the way he has, if I had spent three months away focusing solely on defeating him. I can't change the past, but I feel robbed of that opportunity and let down by the people who should have been lifting me up. Everyone obviously has their own struggles and lives, but I am fighting for my life. Is it so wrong to expect people to be careful in their words and actions with me when I am in such a vulnerable state? Not many people with eating disorders want to change. So many other girls I have talked to, and have been to the hospital with were never really committed to recovery. When I went into that hospital I ate every meal, I looked forward to the group sessions where I had the opportunity to learn something, I took the most out of the experience I could. It's discouraging to be one of the rare ones with the fight and will to truly get better, and not have the support and help available to me. St. Paul's wasn't all flowers and roses either. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I miss the bonds I had with the other girls. For the first time in my life I was social and friendly. I "fit" in. I miss the safety there. I miss not having to worry about "real life." All I had to do was eat and get better. I miss the group sessions where I could empathize with the other girls' experiences and pain. I didn't feel alone in my suffering, and it was comforting. I wasn't crazy. Everyone there was going through the same thing. I miss the Krystle I met there. I miss my friend who made an awful experience "almost fun." I miss the sound of her slippers walking down the hall. I miss our puzzle nights. I miss our goals we would set and do together. I miss the girls in my support group that I attended after my discharge to prepare for the three month program. I miss them cheering me on and their acceptance and support. I miss it. A lot. Sometimes I think about getting really sick again so I can go back. So I can feel the acceptance and support again, and so those who are supposed to be helping me get better, show some concern for me and make an effort again. I've learned that unless your weight is dropping past a safe level, you aren't really a concern anymore regardless of the pain you are going through or the behaviors you are engaging in. Instead, I feel like an afterthought. Instead, I am left alone.