This moment...

This afternoon I had an appointment with Dena. It was a tough one. I've been slipping back quite a bit the last seven or eight weeks, but nothing quite like the last few days. On Tuesday I had one of my wisdom teeth removed. I was warned by Dena and my friend that it would probably make ed worse. Well, it definitely did. It was the perfect excuse to cut my calories back even more. I mean, it's hard to eat with something like that going on, right? I was supposed to eat the same amount this week. Dena didn't want me to change a single thing, and I was doing well until I was thrown a curve ball with my tooth. My caloric intake went from 1700-1800 (already the low end) to a whopping 1100-1300 overnight. I'm hungry, but I've lost weight. Yay! Finally after gaining for almost four months straight I've started losing weight again. (I lost weight last week as well but Dena figured things were finally starting to settle down a bit). And, the problem is the weight loss is making the hunger seem manageable. I can do this if I can be skinny again. My clothes are loose. I am feeling awesome.

Anyways, back to my appointment. It would be safe to say Dena was very unimpressed with my lunch. She was concerned. My lunch hasn't been that small since before I left for St. Paul's. She doesn't want to see me slipping back to this dangerous place. I didn't want to slip back to this dangerous place. She wants me to up my calories as of right now before I get in too deep. It's already hard. What I considered not a lot of food two days ago suddenly seems like way too much. I was losing weight on the higher calories too. But today, the thought of eating that amount again is causing me to panic. I can't gain weight anymore. I want to lose weight. I've been so uncomfortable for so many months now it feels amazing to be losing again. It's hard because I am so torn... torn between right and wrong, healthy and unhealthy, ed or recovery. I know what I should do and what I need to do, but that doesn't make it any easier. I was in this spot almost two years ago where I chose ed over being healthy by throwing up voluntarily for the first time. For so long I wished I could go back and change my decision to save myself so much struggle and heartache. Yet, here I am again struggling with what should be an easy and obvious decision. I know if I don't change today it will be even harder. I will have to start this fight all over again. Who knows how far I'll take it this time? I almost died several times before. Maybe this time I won't be so lucky. I know I can't do this again. I can't put Chris and the kids through this again. So why is this so hard? Why does being thin mean so much to me that I would put myself and everyone else around me through hell again? So here I am, in this moment, having to make the choice all over again, ed or recovery? Life or death?